The Upside of Being a Social Blubbermouth

Why is it, that in social situations, I get all tongue-tied and feel like blubber comes out of my mouth when it opens? Is it inevitable that at some point in your life, if you remain isolated long enough, you become as socially awkward as a penguin trying to flop on rocks back into the water? When I am in the thick of it, I'm okay, like a penguin in water, as graceful as a fish. And when I am by myself, I am like a penguin on land, walking gangly-like but cutely as I waddle through my weird existence. But bridging that gap, I become an idiot. A social blubbermouth.

So then what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to fit in? I want to be a part of society and have friends like most "normal" people. But I am so far from normal that any attempt to be normal makes me feel like a jerk. I start talking and cannot stop because I am so overwhelmed by the mouth-flood-gates opening. As a writer, I spend most of my days with a computer. And a dog. And two horses. So when I get in a person's presence, I just let it fly. Then I realize what I am doing, catch myself, then feel like a self-centered egotist who only wants to talk about tack, herself, her books, or whatever social topic they get me started on. 

I used to be very good at it all. It used to be my job. I was an interpreter for national and state parks, charged with connecting people to historic places, helping them find intangible meanings in historic objects, structures, nature, etc etc. I loved that job. But I wanted more. I wanted to feel connected with myself, not just the objects and places and in the service of others. So I quit and decided to instead connect with people through my music and writing.

Yet I found a problem: I don't share my stuff with anyone. At least I haven't until now. And it's hard to connect through things locked tight in my vault.

The problem is, like many people, I am scared of what someone might say, what they might think, and that I might fail. My stuff might suck. But most of all, I am afraid I will fail at the underlying main objective - connectivity. If I fail at that, then what is it all for? I want to connect, touch lives, teach, and help. And yet I feel so disconnected with people when I open my mouth any more. It's like I can't bridge the gap. I'm the penguin on the rocks. 

But maybe I'm going at it all wrong. Maybe I need to start looking at it from the perspective of the YouTube watchers laughing at the penguin flopping on the rocks. Maybe I'm not as bad or as stupid as I feel most of the time. Maybe I'm being just a little too harsh.

And maybe, just maybe, there are those out there who might, just might, want to connect with me, learn from me, and overlook my rambling long enough to see the specialness I might hold inside, the purpose deep down that might be there. Somehow, if I give myself the chance, the opportunity, a break, I may actually touch the lives I so badly want to reach and find where I'm truly meant to be. I just need to find the courage to open my mouth, to open the vault, and let it fly.