Finding Home

Home. A four-letter word I have been seeking my whole life. A dangerous, subversive word. Mainly because not having it can lead to so much sadness and loneliness. I have thought I have had it a time or two only to have the rug pulled out from beneath me. Why is it so elusive for some yet so easily found for others?

I just moved away from the south, a world where a large majority of folks seem to grow up and stay in the same place for years, often their entire lives. A very foreign concept for me. When I graduated high school, I was ready to fly away. Far far away, to a mystical land called California, out from under the boot of being the oddly unfitting spare tire of my family. 

My two sisters both went away, but a much shorter distance; and they followed the homing beacon back to western Washington to settle down. I, on the other hand, have been all over the map in search of my place, in search of love, in search of h-o-m-e. At one point, I decided I wanted to go back to Washington only to be waylaid at every turn. So now I have a new home. But is it really home? Will it feel different this time? Will I allow it to?

What is a home? I guess it depends on who you talk to. To some, it is four walls. Others, family and friends. For some, community. And for a fair few, adventure at its finest. But then there are those of us constantly on the search for a feeling to be fulfilled. Trying to find that cozy, inside warmth, like sitting by the fireplace on a sheepskin rug, surrounded by the glow of candles while sipping a cup of cocoa, possibly accompanied by a significant other or laughing children.

Why can't I have that? Why does it elude me? What is it that I am waiting for, searching for? The elusive childhood contentment that never really existed except in the movies? I think of scenes from some of my favorites - Father of the Bride, The Family Stone, Home Alone. Christmas movies always have a lot of it. Home. But even films of vacations - The Great Outdoors, The Wedding Date, even Grown Ups - have a home vibe I just can't seem to find.

Perhaps because they are MOVIES. Maybe one of my biggest problems is that I am seeking a fictitious feeling or, even better, a feeling outside of myself that I need to somehow find within. 

I am a walking basket of contradiction. I want family and friends, yet I isolate myself. I want love, yet I stay guarded. I want attention, yet I have become a writing hermit. I want home, yet I want to branch out and go on wild and crazy adventures in all facets of my life. I want regularity and consistency, control, and yet I cannot settle on one simple thing to achieve. 

So maybe home is just what you make of it. Maybe it's a feeling, not a place. Maybe it's beyond the movies, nostalgia, ideal, or memory. And maybe we all individually have to decide when, where, and who is truly "home" in our lives. Then, it becomes less subversive. Then, it becomes a positive four-letter word, like...well...home.