Giving Up Security for Authenticity

I had it all. A farm, two barns, an in-ground swimming pool, a four-bedroom three-bath two-story house with a basement and four acres. I had a John Deere mower, a snow blower, an in-home gym, and a view out to my horses below. I had a husband, three dogs, and a life. But it wasn’t my life.

When do you give up something that seems idyllic? When do you realize that you built a life out of toothpicks or glass or something so impossibly invisible or fake that you didn’t even know it was the case as you were building?

We live in a culture that, to a certain extent, accepts security over authenticity. In many cases, it even encourages it.

“Get a real job.”

“Find a husband and settle down.”

“You made your bed, so lay in it.”

I am not a giver-upper. In fact, I am a stay-too-longer. I have done so in two unhealthy marriages for the sake of giving them my all, and then realizing that what I was giving was far too much of myself to come out unscathed. In both circumstances, I could have stayed and lived out a life that seemed good from the outside.

In the first, I would have been in danger. But in the second, I could have “stuck it out” and lived a life half-lived for the rest of my life. No, thank you. No therapy could have repaired what we had (we tried). No forgiveness could erase the repeated loss of trust. So, I decided that authentic me it would be, and that meant leaving.

Relationships can be pretty cut and dry. But they can also be a jumbled mess of dependency, co-dependency, and manipulation. The security of a relationship can be a hard thing to step outside of to see what’s really real. The same can be said about a job or a life circumstance. Both can have money and well-being as a major part. Both can be abusive, manipulative, or just plain unworthy of you. And both can be completely complicated when making the hard decision to break away to be more authentically you.

So, how do you make that call? How do you make that decision? How do you choose yourself over the rut you’ve gotten stuck in (that you cringe calling a rut because you don’t want to seem ungrateful)?

You’ve just got to do it. I’m telling you, right now, you are worth it all - whatever complicated mess comes of choosing you first. Kids involved, even more complicated, right? Yet there is no nobility in sticking it out in a family situation that is unhealthy, toxic, or stealing your identity.

One of the problems is that we get so caught up in the doing, so much so, that we often can’t even breathe, let alone strategize a way out. We put everyone else first, not even aware that, by doing so, we are modeling a life half-lived. See the pattern?

I do not know your particular situation. But what I can say is that you deserve more. You deserve to be you. Because that is what life is all about. Life, for you, is FOR YOU. It is experienced through you and, therefore, you are entitled to a life that feels you in the most authentic way. I know it might not seem simple. But in choosing you - the real you - you will truly begin.

There are many avenues to help you in this pursuit. Please ask the big questions, seek help and big answers, and move forward into all you can become.