The Elusive Myth of a Firm Grasp on Life

I wonder if one day I'll wake up and it'll hit me. Like, yep, this is my dream life. I've made it. I have it all figured out. But every morning - as I shake the grogginess off and caffeine-jolt myself awake - I realize how elusive that idea is and how much I am still working on it. Then I wonder, will there ever come a time when I'll feel I have a firm grasp on what I am doing, on the life that I am living? Do some people feel in control or are we all secretly struggling? Is it a myth? Do we ever truly have a handle on life?

I recently had a conversation about this with a friend. He's the stable one. Stable job. Solid frame. So I was surprised to find he feels the same way. Perhaps it's a part of being in our thirties. We're past the brink of adulthood but not yet secure in it enough to feel fully grounded. We still have a lot to accomplish, both personally and professionally. We're the primary example of atypical single-somethings. We don't have kids. We're not settled. My writing career has yet to skyrocket. And although his career has taken off, there is a steep learning curve that leaves him feeling like he's never done with the day when the day is done. 

I feel like that all the time now, even on days off. Because I never have days off. I am always on, a by-product of being a self-employed entrepreneur, writer, artist, musician, horse trainer, and dog mom. My jobs are many but my visible, tangible accomplishments are few, at least to anyone but myself. And I am very critical. I have so many goals, so many aspirations, and have yet to see any of them fully accomplished. I want them all, so I set out on any given task at a feverish pace only to have life toss a curve ball and get temporarily derailed. No accomplishment. No satisfaction. I get back on the horse. But discouraged with one, I choose a new horse to ride. Then it starts all over again. 

Why do I operate this way? I think I expect too much too soon. Like starting to work out again after learning I had gained a little too much weight for my youngster horse's back. Since early adulthood, I have had motivational gym trouble because I hold myself to such a high standard at the get go. Ridiculously, I expect myself to look and feel good before I even begin. Somehow, I finally, eventually, and recently learned a great revelation - the best way for me to make progress is through little steps and no expectations. The times I would bog myself down the worst were the days I stepped on the scale. Even if the result was a good one, I would focus too minutely on this and sabotage my un-expectations for the next visit. Instead, I found the best progress made was by simply going through the motions, going to the gym whenever I could, whenever I felt good about it; not focusing so hard on the result, thus not allowing myself the obsession or the impossible standard. Then, what do you know? - voila! - I suddenly realized one day my whole physicality had changed. 

I still struggle, no doubt, as we all do with lifetime challenges of weight and health and fitness. But my larger point is that I have learned through this experience how focusing less on the bigger picture can sometimes yield larger results. 

Another example is my first book. Yes, I know it's not done. It's never done, probably never will be in my mind, even when it is published. And it is due for an entire rewrite since I've expanded certain concepts in writing book two. BUT before I decided it would need this treatment, I had to write the whole darn thing for the first time. And to do that, I had to get out of my head and onto the page. For me, that meant breaking it into little pieces, then letting it write itself. The times I focused too largely on the bigger picture, on actually writing A BOOK, were the times I got most discouraged and heard the little gremlins in my head telling me I couldn't. 

So maybe that's how we ought to treat life. The little accomplishments. The little happinesses. Let them rule the day. Some people may feel settled at twenty or perhaps even younger if they think they have it all figured out. Some, like me, may never have a firm grasp. But perhaps rather than falling into a listless eddy, we can flip it and feel the excitement. Perhaps the lack of a grasp means my days will never be dull. Then one day, far in the future, when I finally do feel a little more settled (if it ever happens), I will take a deep breath and have an enormous breadth of stories to tell.

In the meantime, I try to not get too tired, too exhausted, too burnt out. As I am writing this, I am telling myself I need to take moments where I can to find the little pauses, the little stabilities, to ground myself in order so that I can balance and maintain this crazy life I have chosen to lead. I remind myself I am living dozens of my dreams all in one and perhaps this is the price for it. And then I ask myself, would I be happy with anything different? Probably not. So floundering must be okay. Because it’s either that or always being unsatisfied, always looking to the next big thing. When maybe the biggest thing is this, the crazy here and now that I can’t ever seem to grasp.