Vacuum-Hole People In-sight
for rising above
The Story
You know who I'm talking about. Those people in your life who, knowingly or, more often, I think, unknowingly, try to bring you to their level...or lower.
I have encountered far too many of these. You might even call me a magnet for them, I think maybe because I am quite the opposite. Well, not exactly a leaf blower or a hairdryer (opposite of a vacuum); but a helper. An effuser. A listener and a problem solver. Through many trials, errors, and toxic cycles in my life, I have realized I am like a drug for these vacuum-hole people. Or a salve or maybe even just a pseudo-solution to their problems.
But what I have also found is that these people don't even want a fix. Well, actually they do. A fix in the toxic drug sense. They want a hit. You are that for them. A comrade. A friend. Until you're not. When you finally wave the white flag, call them on their problems, try to help them through, or reclaim yourself...their true colors come to light. They are either so darkened down in their hole or so caught up in their own, that they have no interest in you or yours, except for your ability to salve, inebriate, or be sympatico in theirs.
Sadly, I have lost friends over this phenomena. A few friendships that I still mourn stick out for me, people I could not help because they would not help themselves. Finding these vacuum-hole-people has been a pattern for me. I have been sucked in to a variety of depths and almost lost myself in the process. Some will hopefully overcome and climb out of their holes. But here's the thing - they are THEIR holes. They have to want to climb out of them. You can always be a life raft. But DO NOT be a disposable stepping stone or ladder that will be tossed aside after using.
What I have more often found with the people who reside in this world is that they proclaim they want out, but they do not. They are either too caught up in their hole or, in some sad way, revel in their despair or darkness, that they have chosen this as their home. And they want friends. They want ears to bemoan to. They want witnesses to their tragedies and their pitfalls, so they can complain some more. It reaffirms what they are convinced of. Life is tragedy, hardship, awful. It all befalls them. They never get a break (although you may even see that they do, multiple times; they have you, to begin with; but they do not see it). I had one friend who had marital issues, business issues, all kinds of unaddressed past dragons. I was helping by being an ear, working for her in a mutually beneficial arrangement, but started taking deferred pay, did things on my own time, was available at all hours, and even witnessed amazing opportunities come and go that she somehow quickly squandered (large amounts of money I dreamt of receiving), then ended up right back in the pit. I finally called it quits in the light of all of it affecting my own dreams, goals, pursuits, and family. But I did so in the gentlest possible way, claiming I needed more time for my books and my horses, something we had agreed would be a mutual positive end if it ever came to that. But my last days were could shouldered with no send-off, not even an appearance on my actual last day, just a text saying we should do lunch some time. I have not heard from her since (and that was six years ago). Thus I discovered my worth to her and my purpose, in her opinion, in her life. And now I knew mine.
It is not your job to fix vacuum-hole people. True vacuum-hole people don't want to be fixed. Some teeter on the in-between. You can give it a go, to help them. But do not get sucked in. And if you are, if you do, if you have been, hopefully, this in-sight can help you get out. Probably not unscathed. You are most likely already hurt, torn, a bit tattered, hence you reading this far. But you are in there still, light and whole. Let's dig you, grapple you, out.
The In-sight
Picture yourself, helping, loving, giving your heart to this person to hold, to share, to help them. They are in need. You want to help them. But then they continue to need help. Then they twist it, turn it. They suck you in. You are there, only for them now. Your life does not matter.
“Oh wait, you have problems too? Let's listen...for a millisecond. Now back to me, your friend. My life sucks. Be my light. Wait, you're not bright enough. Wait, THAT is. No it's not.”
Sound familiar?
“You're here...but my life still sucks. No, I see that light, but it's not the right color.”
Excuse. Excuse.
Now see yourself. You deserve more. You deserve better than this sludge. They can join you in the light if they like. But that is their choice, to take the lifeline or not. You, on the other had, are about to get out. See the vacuum-hole? It looks like a tornado, you are looking down in. Dark, black, a pit, funneled down below. That is them. Down below. You are above, standing at the edge, looking down in. You were in it for a time. That's okay. Now you are at the edge. You feel the pull, the wind, the sucking, the tendrils trying to grab at you. But you are at the edge. Now walk away.
If this person is someone you still want to be in contact with or still love, you can walk back to the edge, from time to time. Check on them. See if they are ready to grab your lifeline. To bring themselves in the light. But be careful in this. Do not get sucked in. It is all too easy for those we care about or if we are helpers by nature. Best policy, walk away. Do what you can to lay the stage for them to get themselves out, but then go to where you know you are safe. There is a line you can create and establish. Let this line be YOUR lifeline and let it remind you of your own strength and importance in this world.
Variations, Tips, and Possibilities
Two in-sights, in particular, also help with dealing with vacuum-hole people. Try the Pushing Away In-sight and the Shooting Bollards In-sight for strategies that help keep the darkness out while still allowing for light to come in. The challenge here is to not erect or re-erect walls that, especially, although protective, also keep you from yourself, your allowing, and the goodness that you have coming in this life. So let’s do this.