A Lonely Loner's Guide to Getting Through
To start with, The Rules:
1) You're okay even if you're not
2) It's okay to be sad
3) It's okay to be happy
4) It's okay to fail
5) It's okay to fall
6) It's okay to get back up
7) It's okay to want more
8) It's okay to want connection
9) It's okay to not be okay
10) It's okay to be okay
11) You will get through
12) And everything will be okay.
Being alone, whether by choice or not, is not easy. As a result, over the years, I have developed a resistance and resilience toward people. Maybe you can relate. I've decided, in certain circumstances, to take on the attitude of 'I don't need you.' I'm sure this was probably the result of misplaced and utterly broken and shattered trust. But then, I've always been a bit of a loner. I don't always seem like it; I am outright bubbly in social situations. But, inside, more often than not, I feel awkward and just want to get back to my dogs or horses and my writing.
However, now, I am finding that the current situation has turned me into a brand new kind of loner, and a whole new kind of loneliness has sprung up in my everyday. I actually find myself wanting to be around people, like, all the time. But the problem is, the kind of people I long for and the depth of interaction is made difficult with the shut-in. Let's just say it - making friends is already hard for the socially awkward. So, having digital be the only option for making friends right now means it is not really an option for some of us.
And, to be honest, right now, I can't even handle a whole lot from the outside world, especially conventional ideas of getting through and surrounding myself with plush positivity. Inescapably, I don't have the energy, nor the people to remind me, to keep my chin up. Then, when I do succeed at it for a short time, by the end of the day, my mind slams the door and reminds me that I am still alone.
So, how do we deal as loner shut-ins? What can we do, all alone, and still keep a positive outlook on what's coming ahead? In my line of work, I am constantly reminding people that you are never alone; and I know this, logically. But, what about when I don't feel like it? What about when I do feel alone?
I look out at my neighbors, and it's as if they are living on some other, more stomachable planet, even in quarantine. I am sure they are struggling too; but they're also out having drinks with each other (at a distance) and playing on bikes with the kids. The impression is that it's an easier time for them. Even worldly-known mentors that I follow on social media have their moments of down. But then they also seem to have at least someone to talk to. What about us? Those who are alone? What do WE do, when turning to someone sounds appealing, but then we know that there's either drama involved or, afterward, it will make us feel even more alone?
To others, especially kid-bound parents, the alone time probably sounds heavenly. But for those of us who are stuck in the fortress of our own solitude, the isolation wreaks havoc on trying to stay connected. Perhaps, like me, you were already struggling with loneliness before the crisis. Now, it is amplified at least ten-fold.
I hate to break it to you, I don't have an easy fix. But I do have a few tips that are keeping me afloat, some obvious, some not so much. I just hope that something there might help you. You really aren't alone. We WILL make it through this and everything else.
1) Crawl back into bed
As a loner and work driven entrepreneur, I have been pounding myself pretty darn hard in the absence of anyone telling me when to end the work day. I do very well in organized work environments, often exceeding expectation in productivity. But independently working and inside, all alone, I work myself to death and, when I'm not working, I am obsessing over what I should be doing and feel guilty for not doing it.
Give yourself a break. Multiple breaks, really. Even if you are struggling financially, as a lot of us are, your sanity is key. And this sometimes means crawling back into bed and giving yourself a hooky day just for being you. I absolve you of all guilt, even if you do this multiple days in a row. We're all at the mercy of doing what we need to do in order to get through this odd time.
2) Be kind to yourself
This one is key, especially to us loners. I find that when I am alone, I am THE hardest on myself. Like I should have it all together, right? Because I am all alone and I have all the time in the world to figure everything out, right? That's what outsiders think, looking in at us. Or at least that's my projection of it: "You're so lucky you're alone." "You have your own place." "You don't have a nagging husband/wife." "You don't have the distraction of kids." "You're oh so lucky."
What they don't understand is that, in our aloneness, sometimes the very things that they might be trying to escape are the things that we so painfully yearn for. I wish I had clutter noise right now. I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had kids running around. But then I don't. I am on a constant roller coaster of loneliness, guilt, pain, and gratitude. So, in that, be kind to your fluxuations. It's okay to be up, and then down, then up, then down. It's human. It's "normal," even though nothing is normal right now. And that's okay too. Just let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling, then move on to the next feeling and day. It'll be okay.
3) Why are you alone?
Oh, gosh. The deep question. So sorry. But it's important to maybe check in on this.
Is it by choice? Is it not by choice? Just taking the time to determine why you are alone gives you some strength and liberation from it, whether it be from the pain, the guilt, or even just a sense of lost. It may provide some clarity and help you feel better about your situation. If someone screwed you and it makes you feel worse, then screw them (I'm giving them a middle finger for you) and try to make the best of the situation to show them (and, more importantly, you) just what metal you’re made of.
I have had many swirly feelings about all of this. I am alone by choice, but not by choice. I left my ex, but it was because his actions and inactions tore us apart. So, I know that I am better off and I am proud out on my own; but it doesn't take away the feelings that I have, that I am missing an appendage. I got used to having another half. I got reliant on a future that I really looked forward to, that seemed full, and that is no longer there. I often get a cold reminder-rush of "it's not fair" that I don't have my partner, and what I signed up for with vows and so much time. If only I had been more willing to put up with what I don't deserve. Then, I wouldn't be alone right now.
FULL STOP. Being alone is better than living in a world that is less than what you deserve, just for being a person. Say that again to yourself. Being alone is better than living in a world that is less than what you deserve. Plus, pondering the woulda shoulda couldas just gets you into trouble. I know this all too well. Try, instead, to focus on the bright side (yes, slap me, I said the bright side, sorry). But really, you have your own life. You have yourself. And it is all by choice, even if it doesn't feel like it. Embrace this power. Be proud. You are stronger than you think.
4) Drink
Yes, drink. But by drink, I don't necessarily mean alcohol. Sure, do that if it helps (and please have one for me, too); but keep in mind, for the wrong reasons, alcohol is only a band-aid that can lead down a darker road, especially alone. I know (not as an alcoholic, but having my own issues with it).
To be honest, I really really really wish that I was drinking right now. But I went off of it a few months prior for personal reasons (mainly because I don't like how my body reacts, how it affects my work, and how I tend to use it as a crutch). Yet I am finding that the alternative, and current condition, is that I am getting stuck inside my own head and have an inability to unwind, relax, and check out. The awful reality is realizing my lack of a way of dealing healthily with stress, the crisis, and my ever-lurking anxiety. And now that I am even more alone and shut in, I can't even seek my usual coffee house or outside world distractions.
My dogs are a great reprieve, but they don't talk to me. So, instead, I drink a lot of coffee, tea, and kombucha. Also, juice. I make my mocktails and try to convince myself to drink more water...and it works for about a day. But just the process of fixing myself something, in the morning or in the evening, does help. And we probably should try to stay hydrated. I'm not your health guru, but the point that I am trying to make is that you should figure out what is best for you in regard to drinking. Don't deprive. Have the wine, have the beer, whatever helps. Please have the bourbon and tequila. But, also, know your weaknesses and pitfalls. Be forgiving but also wise. As a loner, we're all we've got.
5) Eat
Oh, by golly, I've been doing a lot of this one. Haven't we all? This, too, has been a balancing act, especially for us loners, I think. When you have mouths to feed, even partners, you are regulated by that fact alone. As a loner, it is just up to you. For me, I have trouble justifying the time or money involved in cooking healthily for just me (not to mention the sadness it stirs, even when I love to cook). And if you are on a limited budget, like me, in my case with large animal mouths to feed, the struggle is real to eat well and eat any kind of semblance of healthy, especially when you feel like self-medicating with food (because, silly me, I took alcohol away).
I vacillate between soup, ramen, and semi-healthy stuff for about two seconds after a grocery pick-up, then back to snack foods, cereal, candy, and chocolate chips. As a writer, I am always looking for something to shove into my mouth. But even if you're not a writer, just the act of Netflix binging screams for cookies or popcorn. Do it, but only until it starts to make you feel bad. Not so much physically bad. More like guilty. Try to shove the guilt and use it as a signal or tool to move on to the next tip. Allow and be proud. Own what you eat and do or do not do. Just also realize when the feelings don't match up.
6) Go for a walk
Cliché and it sounds cheesy, but it works, especially when we are by ourselves. My walks bring a mixture of emotions, though, even in preparation, thus are sometimes hard to get motivated to do. There's the fear, of course. I am a pre-pandemic germaphobe, so going out right now stirs up some real stuff for me. I also don't like to be seen when I feel vulnerable and not at my best. But I have to take my dogs out, so that forces me to move a little. And my pup mom obligations make me take them out on local adventures, which ends up being triply good for me as well.
If you don't have pets, maybe consider getting one (see #7) or find another motivator to get yourself out. Pick a place as a refresher. Maybe a tree you like to see. Maybe a bit of sky. Maybe a park. Just walk down the block, down the street, or a longer trek if you're motivated. Just the act of getting out is what's important.
Go on a walk to energize and remember your body, but also, to refresh your mind. As loners, we need to stay in touch with the outside world in order to find more reprieve inside. It's like hitting refresh on the computer.
But, yes, a walk in the outer world can also be both awesome and painful. For me, going out right now reminds me of what I don't have. I see families laughing. I see people barbequing and enjoying backyards together. It makes me feel even more alone; but it also gives me a moment of remembering, and I imagine myself as a part of it, knowing that it will come in the future if I allow it. I look forward to that and bask in the warmth of what's to come.
7) Get a buddy
And by a buddy, I mean a dog or a cat. Or whatever you fancy. I will only take a moment to go on about this one because I don't want to harp on something if your situation does not allow it. For those of you who already know the benefits of this one, you definitely KNOW. For those of who have yet to jump into the animal ring...let me just say, my four-legged kids have been my mainstay through all of this in SO many ways. They get me out when I'm not feeling right, they provide the distraction of parenting, and they fulfill the loner love-void in more ways than I can describe.
The flip side is that there is a bit of guilt involved when, right now, we cannot take them everywhere they want to go or give them every table scrap that they desire; but it is SO worth it, if you can bring a little monster into your world. There are a lot of pups and cats (and rabbits, chicken, ducks, horses, etc) looking for homes or fosters, even during this rough time. Consider checking out local shelters and rescues. Of course, call first to see what their revised process is. You may just find your soulmate. I have found four (two dogs and two horses that absolutely OWN me).
8) Take Time
The final tip I have in this bit is the most important, I think. It is taking the time for you. Yes, this may seem asinine considering that, as a loner alone right now, you may find that you have way too much time to yourself. But what I also find is that, in my loner state, I get caught up in seeking outward stuff just to get through it all and forget myself. I get lost in shows, work, and distractions. I intentionally lose myself in order to just cope with being with me all the time. And this is necessary too.
But in that, don't negate yourself and your own importance. Don't push aside all of what you are really experiencing. Yes, you get to be happy and to have your space. And you also get to be sad for being alone. You get to feel tossed and angry and confused. And you get to be mad at others for not appreciating the simplicity of what they have with other people around. Your life is your perception. So, allow for whatever that is. Then, realize that it actually is a perception, and that you have the choice of how you want to perceive it and what is to come.
Your time alone right now is for you, whether you love it or not. There will be good days, and there will be bad. On the bad days, come back to this list and know that you really aren't alone. Take solace in that fact, and that we are all just truckin' through this, together or not. Hang in there, lonely loner. In no time, we'll be back to being regular loners again, those by choice.