How to Artfully Ride the Roller Coaster of an All or Nothing Life

Sometimes I sit down to write and just get petrified. I clam up. Not with writer's block, but with the gravity of it all, what I call the "I'm about to write" affliction. There's the surefire risk that I might fail. It might turn out awful or, even worse, sub-par, mediocre, or kind of blah. “Meh” writing is more an offense than awful writing, in my opinion. At least with awful, there’s an extreme factor, and I seem to live by extremes.

Somewhere along the way in my life, I picked up the habit of living in terms of all or nothing. Maybe I was born this way, and it does occasionally come in handy, like living with passion and intrigue. But it can also mean the highest highs and the lowest lows. What I struggle for is the in-betweens.

Thus, I have, in some sense, become afraid of my own way of life, not only of failure, as I've thought for a while. But I'm afraid of losing myself too deeply in any of it, at the risk of losing all the other things that I care about. 

I sometimes think that I want a life full of mediums rather than highs and lows. Or perhaps I do want the highs and lows, but I don't want them to consume me so much that I lose sight of my own ground, my family, my dogs and horses. I am afraid that if I enter into certain aspects of my career and writing, I could become consumed by these things and lose all other pieces of myself. I am afraid that if I allow myself to be consumed, I may lose my clear sight of these things entirely; and I definitely don't want to do that, because my loves are too important to me.

I see what full self-absorption can do to people. Some argue that, to succeed in anything, particularly of the creative variety, you need to give in to that one thing fully.

But what if I am meant to do multiple things? (and there is only one of me). How do I give in fully to all and still retain myself?

I know that part of life is making choices. But I don't think that life was set up to be exclusively one thing or the other. For example, I want success in music, books, mentoring, helping, and sharing. I want to touch lives with my stories AND travel the world AND have the most passionate love imaginable. I want to be respected and sought out for my talent and knowledge AND be there for my little ones at the end of the day. I want it all. And I feel like I - and WE - CAN have it all if we can just figure out how without offsetting one thing or the other.

So, in my attempt, I tread lightly, carefully.

But the problem is, then nothing gets done and I end up in a hole. I end up sleeping and drinking and going to the gym. I get caught up in stupid little mini-dramas around me and take to heart things of no consequence. I get caught in dismal cycles and struggle to find clarity and a way out. 

My way out is THROUGH these things that I want, these things that I love. But how to access them, how to achieve them, confounds me or, more accurately, makes me nervous, antsy, and downright anxious.

I don't know how to start, where to start, without getting too caught up. I am both excited by the thought of getting caught up and terrified by it. Because these things make my heart soar but also have the power to take over. Is that such a bad thing? I ask myself. I desperately want control of areas in my life that I have no business being in control of. Dreams don't work like that, especially when you are trying to make your dreams a reality. But how do I know I will be safe if I lose control? How do I know I will find my way, to both home and where I want to go?

I. Don't. Know. And that is why I sit at my desk petrified. Both excited and petrified. But if I don't do something, that is what I will continue to be. Here is where I'll be doomed to stay. Caught in a net of confusion, stuck on the diving board staring down at the water. So now, I'm trying to find, deep within, the courage to ride the scary coaster, the ups and downs...and middles. Therefore, I gulp, I scream, and dive right in.