Haven of Pillows In-sight
for finding reprieve and comfort
The Story
In my latest crazy endeavor of life, I set off across the country. Sounds romantic, yes. Until you put it in the context of a second failed marriage, no income to speak of, growing debt, no firm footing, and a thousand projects screaming to be finished.
But I had to go. I had to go. I was losing myself. I felt near broken in an entirely different and dangerous way. I was no version of myself. So I had to set out and find her. Scarily, that meant striking out on my own and, in this case, heading west. Tuck chin, take a chance on a crazy opportunity, and go.
Upon arrival, I faced a whole new set of challenges. But at least it was something different, something moving. Exhausted in the turmoil, I sought a soft landing. But there was no reprieve or cushion.
Actually, there was a bed, but I could barely sleep in it and it wasn't mine. I was a live-in innkeeper at a bed and breakfast. In all appearances, fun and luxurious; but I was trapped. I had people checking in at 2am, reservation calls at all hours, cooked breakfast and wine-hosted for twelve rooms, managed staff, and was always expected to be on, even when I had a small amount of coverage. It become clear how unhealthy it was, for me and for my four-legged children. I tried to get them to change the situation, but, no. So I tucked my chin again and moved along, this time to the north.
When I first got back to Washington, after my long and crazy adventure, upon arrival, I ate some major humble pie. My horses needed good accommodations first, so I stayed with my sister and, soon after, my parents. While trying to reconfigure my life, I came off one of my horses, hurt my back pretty bad, and could hardly move, let alone sleep comfortably on a couch.
So a bed sounded like heaven. A bed of my own. My bed. Not ours. Not his. Not theirs.
Mine.
When I finally got my own place, that was the first thing I did...I ordered a bed. But it wouldn't arrive for another month. An air mattress had to happen. It was just another step on the road to my bed.
So when I got it, it WAS heaven. I made it heaven.
The In-sight
In the acquiring of this bed, I bought a ridiculous amount of pillows and blankets. I was cold, literally and figuratively, having just moved from an uber-hot central California summer to a chilly Northwest fall and winter.
To add to the discomfort, I felt untethered and uncomforted in every way possible. I was flailing, floundering, listless, lost. So a bed with a heaven of blankets, a haven of pillows, sounded heavenly. It sounded like a refuge, something I needed so badly. A hidey hole.
The excessive pillows, I had not planned. I only had one to start. But there were two on sale as a set, then another two, and a really soft fuzzy bed-width body pillow I could use at the headboard. The blankets weren't quite planned either. I had appropriately fried my comforter from California in a laundromat dryer. So I needed something cheap and simple. But it had - absolutely had - to be, cozy and comfy. I found a set of soft flannel sheets, a soft comforter set, then a fluffy down-alternative comforter…then, two inexpensive fuzzy fleece throw blankets…
I got my bed. It was perfect. I put it all together and disappeared. I sunk inside, my haven of pillows. It was exactly what I needed. It was the embrace and comfort I had missed. It was mine. Years of false life, bad sleep, cold and lonely nights...it was my rebirth, my refuge, my new wake-up. I won't say I get perfect sleep every night. Quite often, I must contort myself around my chihuahuas. But at the end of the day, it is my haven of pillows. Something to look forward to in a time of madness.
My point is this visual. Through it all - the madness, the aloneness, the pain, the dull, the numb, the homeless, the discomfort - the end, the blissful end, and the beginning...I have my haven of pillows.
Find yours. Choose your haven, your bed. And keep it always in your sights. It will come.
Variations, Tips, and Possibilities
Maybe your haven isn’t pillows. Or even a bed. Maybe it is a towel on a beach somewhere. Or being curled up in blankets on a couch in front of a fire in winter. It’s tempting to think of your haven as the arms of someone you love, already in your life or not yet arrived. Just be aware, then your refuge of strength becomes reliant on another. The idea of this in-sight is to realize that there is a haven that is YOURS, exclusive of anyone or anything around you. A safe place, a warm place, solace from everything, with the power to allow you whatever you might need in order to heal, to feel, or to rise from whatever you may face. A plane, your ground, your platform to stand on when you’re ready…a place from, then, to fly.
Another point of this in-sight is that it is accessible. This haven is achievable. You will find it and you will get there.
Also try the Imperfect Paradise In-sight.